Of Narcissists and Mice

After watching The Dark Knight, at Liberty (twice I might mention), I have come to the conclusion that I’m just not trendy enough to drink Elephant House (hereafter referred to as ‘Aliya’) soft drinks. You know what I’m talking about, that ad that shows all those groovy and trendy people dancing and drinking Aliya soft drinks. I’ve seen this ad occasionally on tv but not being much of a tv person I didn’t pay much attention to it. But seeing an advertisement on a 20 foot screen is different. It makes you…..think.

And I thought about it. I’m just not trendy enough. I mean look at the people in the ad! There are bunches and bunches of young people singing and dancing and gyrating and whatnot. Not a non-trendy person in sight. The only overweight person in the ad was Ashanthi and even she was wearing trendy clothes. These people looked like they had been born wearing denims and friendship bracelets. These are the type of people who would be able to pull of a look that you wouldn’t be caught dead in. And come on, how many of you have ACTUALLY danced on top of a fountain while drinking any brand of soft drink? Soft drinks don’t make you dance on top of fountains, a few stiff shots of whiskey do. Trendy drinks for trendy people.

Click to see image in full

The above image clearly shows what I’m talking about. This image was shot unbeknownst to the vendor with my special Canon VB-291 voice bubble capturing camera.

Note - I now have less hair. Also, I do not know why I’m holding the vendors hand. Also, most people call me ‘aiya’ regardless of how old they are. All 3 wheel drivers and shopkeepers call me ‘aiya’.

Ever since that day, and incidentally the day I watched Batman the second time, I decided that I would not go without soft drinks because of my un-trendiness or non-trendiness. I now make my own soft drinks from sachets.

Say NO to TRENDINESS

1. NEVER keep your phone with you. You’ll just regret it. Actually, the Never Keep Your Phone With You rule is actually more of a meta rule. It describes three more mini rules. I’ll get into details on these rules somewhere along the line. Just keep in mind that if you bring your phone with you, there is an INCREASE of 83% of your chance of doing something you regret the next morning.
2. NEVER call or text anyone while you’re drunk. This is a fundamental law of the universe. I can’t believe the amount of people who actually make calls while they are drunk. It just totally cracks me up. Note that the ‘anyone’ mentioned in this rule do not include any of the following,
   1. Taxis or other forms of transport supplying services
   2. Emergency medical services or other life supplying services
   3. Hookers or other satisfaction supplying services
   4. A cool friend of the SAME sex. (Never EVER call a cool friend of the opposite sex. Because the reason that you think that friend is cool is BECAUSE you secretly like him/her/me)

   This is what I mean by ‘don’t text anyone’. Scenario: You hear a joke while your drinking and you think it’s incredibly funny (Most things are funny while your drunk, irrespective of whether it’s a joke or not. Drunk people can laugh along to a weather report on a tropical cyclone. Back to the scenario..), so you text someone the punch line ONLY (You send only the punch line because you’re too far gone to type anything on that tiny keypad. The more drunk you are, the tinier the keypad). Anyway, your friend suddenly gets a message saying, ‘PANTS!’ or ‘HOTEL CALIFORNIA!!’ or something like that because that’s the current joke or song or whatever. Do yourself a favour and cut off your thumbs. It’s less trouble in the long run.

3. NEVER pull out your phone while you’re drunk or drinking. If you must bring your phone with you, do everyone a favour and keep it inside a pocket. Preferably one with a breath analyzer that won’t open until you’re sober. Having your phone in your hand is a recipe for disaster. Scenario: After an otherwise uneventful trip to Sigiriya I noticed that I had completely replaced my browser software on the phone with REALLY old software. Also I’ve now forgotten my PIN.
4. NEVER give your phone to a friend. A drunk friend will ALWAYS do one of the following with a foreign (not his)  phone,
   1. Drop it
   2. Dial an IDD call (If you have IDD enabled on your phone and you give it to a drunk friend, then you’re lucky to have lived so long)
   3. Look through messages or past call records and dial the most frequently used numbers.
   4. Drop it.
   5. Call a hooker
5. NEVER EVER take up a dare. Scenario: Friend says, ‘Why don’t you climb this 10 foot ladder like structure and jump down from the top?’, if you ask yourself ‘why not?’ then you have no right to be drinking. Or walking around without an attendant. What you should be asking yourself is ‘Why doesn’t he/she so that?’. Also don’t drink at anyplace that has large bodies of water or easily climbable trees/structures, you’ll thank yourself later in your old age when you DO have an old age.
6. NEVER make passes at women. I didn’t include ‘Don’t make passes at men’ for the simple reason that men like women making passes at them. Drunk or otherwise. We aren’t finicky. When you are drunk, you are
   1. NOT as funny as you think
   2. NOT as smooth as you think
   3. NOT as smart as you think
   4. NOT as desirable as you think

That pretty much covers it right?

7. NEVER sing alone. By all means sing along to the band or to the crowd, but never sing alone. There is no way anyone is going to hear your terribly pitched, horribly rendered, word swapped (going ‘na nuh na naa’ when you don’t know the words) version of ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ (hint hint dude ) when the band is playing, so that’s your chance to go at it. Unleash the inner rock star. But NEVER EVER alone. You’ll just make an ass of yourself.
8. NEVER talk. Seriously. Don’t talk and you can’t get yourself into any regrettable situations. Also don’t do stuff like slapping yourself in the face to show that you have perfect hand eye coordination. Slapping yourself in the face or walking into walls are a sure indication of being piss drunk.
9. NEVER EVER EVER take your credit card with you. Unless it’s already overlimit. Take whatever amount of cash you think you will need to cover the expenses. Taking your credit card to a drinking session is like having your own personal banker who is ever so helpful to pay the bill when it comes but will kick you in the nuts the next day when you get your credit card bill. It’s easier to just wash dishes or something like that rather than paying the bill. Also, since you’re drunk you won’t even remember it. Remember, your credit card is NOT your bitch.
10. NEVER DRIVE!
11. NEVER make lists of what NOT to do for some hypothetical situation since you can’t count or put together coherent sentences in the first place. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

I realize that it’s a bit late for New Year resolutions. But these are Non Resolutions. So I think I will be excused for posting them this late.

This is a list of all the things that I will NOT be doing this year. These are New Year resolutions gone bad. Passed over to the dark side. These are the New Year resolutions you would not like to meet in a dark alley. This is what happens when you don’t hug your resolutions.

This document contains a whole cart load of ‘NOT’s. Because of this it may contain confused sentence structures. I’m very sleepy as I write this so I haven’t been able to keep track of all those negatives mixing with each other and becoming positives only to break up in a huff to become all negative again.

Without any further interruptions I give you, My New Year Non Resolutions

1. I will NOT spend another needless year learning things that I need to know in order to do a job that I am already doing. Which means, come hell or high water I will NOT be a lazy bum and spend my time NOT studying so I can NOT sit for exams to complete my degree.

2. I will NOT be taking over the world this year. I mean, come on, have you heard of anyone without at least a masters trying to take over the world? It’s always Dr. whosit or Dr. whatshisname. So frankly, without at least the BSc to add to the end of my name I’m hardly capable of taking over the world. I’m NOT competing with the likes of George Bush without being able to spot market trends or NOT being able to give the probability of it raining when a family who goes out to fish toss a coin to decide who gets to use the hammock. (Which is what I’m NOT learning since I am NOT attending lectures for Probability and Statistics – 203)

3. I will NOT be a poster child for how NOT to manage your money. As of the time of this post, I am Rs. 1600/= and two weeks away from complete and utter financial ruin. I will NOT be a credit card company’s model customer. I will NOT give up getting my hair cut due to destitution.

UPDATE : I have just received payment for leaves NOT taken in 2007. I am NOT staring at a financial meltdown at the moment. I did NOT just make this up. It really didn’t NOT happen.

4. I will NOT let my shoes melt into the road before I purchase a new pair. I will NOT be the proud owner of one pair of shoes. Instead, I will be the proud owner of two pairs of shoes. I will NOT wait till my socks are thicker than my shoes to purchase a new pair.

5. I will NOT be the centerfold for ‘How NOT to Behave at Social Gatherings Monthly’. I will NOT freeze whenever someone makes small talk with me for the first time. My social graces will NOT be ridiculed.

6. I will NOT be a great dancer. I will NOT be caught dead on a dance floor, unless it is to walk across it to reach the bar. I will NOT look like an arthritic hippo doing a jig.

7. I will NOT have anymore pending birthday / Christmas (Yes, I have pending Christmas gifts L) gifts this year. I will NOT be caught dead with an IOU. I will make my gift giving habits legendary. I will hone my abilities to such a peak that people will talk about my gift giving habits for a long time to come. Following is a conversation that did NOT happen.

The Bob : Did you watch the documentary about 21st century John’s gift giving habits?
A Bob : Oh yes! It was amazing, I wish I had someone like him to buy me gifts. Just thinking about someone like that makes me giddy.
The Bob : Yes, I know what you mean. I’m going to have a lie down.

8. I will NOT NOT watch Broke Back Mountain. This movie is now in my official “To Watch” list. I will NOT laugh at the thought of straight actors acting gay or gay actors acting straight.

9. I will NOT make New Year Resolutions.

And that’s it. I give you full permission to print this list out and frame it. Don’t be shy.

Check this story out, I got it from SatireWire. This is about the Axis of Evil that Bush mentioned in his State of the Union speech. I love this one. Enjoy.

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

“They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

Original story link is : http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/axis.shtml

And the award goes to… Dialog! And its SMS forwarding radio advertisement, or as I like to call it, “The Machang” advertisement. After hearing that blasted ad about a googol times on TNL (actually it only airs about twice an hour during the ‘Instant Request’ section) I decided that if I did not let out steam I would explode, with cataclysmic results. If you have not heard the advertisement this is how it goes,
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