And I thought about it. I’m just not trendy enough. I mean look at the people in the ad! There are bunches and bunches of young people singing and dancing and gyrating and whatnot. Not a non-trendy person in sight. The only overweight person in the ad was Ashanthi and even she was wearing trendy clothes. These people looked like they had been born wearing denims and friendship bracelets. These are the type of people who would be able to pull of a look that you wouldn’t be caught dead in. And come on, how many of you have ACTUALLY danced on top of a fountain while drinking any brand of soft drink? Soft drinks don’t make you dance on top of fountains, a few stiff shots of whiskey do. Trendy drinks for trendy people.

Click to see image in full

The above image clearly shows what I’m talking about. This image was shot unbeknownst to the vendor with my special Canon VB-291 voice bubble capturing camera.

Note – I now have less hair. Also, I do not know why I’m holding the vendors hand. Also, most people call me ‘aiya’ regardless of how old they are. All 3 wheel drivers and shopkeepers call me ‘aiya’.

Ever since that day, and incidentally the day I watched Batman the second time, I decided that I would not go without soft drinks because of my un-trendiness or non-trendiness. I now make my own soft drinks from sachets.

Say NO to TRENDINESSколи под наем

That pretty much covers it right?

NEVER sing alone. By all means sing along to the band or to the crowd, but never sing alone. There is no way anyone is going to hear your terribly pitched, horribly rendered, word swapped (going ‘na nuh na naa’ when you don’t know the words) version of ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ (hint hint dude ) when the band is playing, so that’s your chance to go at it. Unleash the inner rock star. But NEVER EVER alone. You’ll just make an ass of yourself.

This is a list of all the things that I will NOT be doing this year. These are New Year resolutions gone bad. Passed over to the dark side. These are the New Year resolutions you would not like to meet in a dark alley. This is what happens when you don’t hug your resolutions.

This document contains a whole cart load of ‘NOT’s. Because of this it may contain confused sentence structures. I’m very sleepy as I write this so I haven’t been able to keep track of all those negatives mixing with each other and becoming positives only to break up in a huff to become all negative again.

Without any further interruptions I give you, My New Year Non Resolutions

1. I will NOT spend another needless year learning things that I need to know in order to do a job that I am already doing. Which means, come hell or high water I will NOT be a lazy bum and spend my time NOT studying so I can NOT sit for exams to complete my degree.

2. I will NOT be taking over the world this year. I mean, come on, have you heard of anyone without at least a masters trying to take over the world? It’s always Dr. whosit or Dr. whatshisname. So frankly, without at least the BSc to add to the end of my name I’m hardly capable of taking over the world. I’m NOT competing with the likes of George Bush without being able to spot market trends or NOT being able to give the probability of it raining when a family who goes out to fish toss a coin to decide who gets to use the hammock. (Which is what I’m NOT learning since I am NOT attending lectures for Probability and Statistics – 203)

3. I will NOT be a poster child for how NOT to manage your money. As of the time of this post, I am Rs. 1600/= and two weeks away from complete and utter financial ruin. I will NOT be a credit card company’s model customer. I will NOT give up getting my hair cut due to destitution.

UPDATE : I have just received payment for leaves NOT taken in 2007. I am NOT staring at a financial meltdown at the moment. I did NOT just make this up. It really didn’t NOT happen.

4. I will NOT let my shoes melt into the road before I purchase a new pair. I will NOT be the proud owner of one pair of shoes. Instead, I will be the proud owner of two pairs of shoes. I will NOT wait till my socks are thicker than my shoes to purchase a new pair.

5. I will NOT be the centerfold for ‘How NOT to Behave at Social Gatherings Monthly’. I will NOT freeze whenever someone makes small talk with me for the first time. My social graces will NOT be ridiculed.

6. I will NOT be a great dancer. I will NOT be caught dead on a dance floor, unless it is to walk across it to reach the bar. I will NOT look like an arthritic hippo doing a jig.

7. I will NOT have anymore pending birthday / Christmas (Yes, I have pending Christmas gifts L) gifts this year. I will NOT be caught dead with an IOU. I will make my gift giving habits legendary. I will hone my abilities to such a peak that people will talk about my gift giving habits for a long time to come. Following is a conversation that did NOT happen.

The Bob : Did you watch the documentary about 21st century John’s gift giving habits?
A Bob : Oh yes! It was amazing, I wish I had someone like him to buy me gifts. Just thinking about someone like that makes me giddy.
The Bob : Yes, I know what you mean. I’m going to have a lie down.

8. I will NOT NOT watch Broke Back Mountain. This movie is now in my official “To Watch” list. I will NOT laugh at the thought of straight actors acting gay or gay actors acting straight.

9. I will NOT make New Year Resolutions.

And that’s it. I give you full permission to print this list out and frame it. Don’t be shy.

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

“They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

Original story link is : http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/axis.shtml

Now you may tell me, “But John, I am jobless and I do not trust your words so I counted the number of ‘machangs’ in the ad and there are only 4. That isn’t much you know.*”, and my reply to that would be “First, you’re an idiot. Now that we have got past that, there are only 3 ‘machangs’ in the ad. That is 3 too many”. Interesting dialogue you may think? But seriously if you had to listen to that ad morning, noon and night (I listen to TNL a lot) it would drive you crazy. In fact it would make you ‘Buy a gun and shoot all the Dialog execs and the customers’ crazy.

Good thing I’m so well adjusted.

In my opinion, the ad should have gone something like this.

Smarmy Bastard #1: Hey, my battery is almost dead. Can I divert my messages to your phone?
Smarmy Bastard #2: No. Drop dead.
(Sounds of scuffle. Phone beeps)
SM1: Is that for me? Is it her? (In an anxious voice)
SM2: (Annoying laugh) It’s a she? Hold on, hold on. Nope it’s for me.
SM1: OK. Remember if the SMS shows +00 in front of the message, it’s a diverted message and it’s for me (sounds put out).
(Dialog voiceover man blabs out propaganda)
(Phone beeps again)
SM2: Ah. This one is not for you either. By the way I’m meeting her for dinner. Hope you don’t mind.

Short. Informative. Entertaining. All the hallmarks of a great radio advertisement. And not a ‘machang’ in sight. It also highlights the dangers of being a stupid person. And the dangers associated with that like forwarding private messages to another person’s phone.

This is a biased rant.

* A pseudo maddox.

Ansh (generic bad guy) kidnaps Nandanee (generic maiden in distress) after some party or another. At this point of the story Nandanee had divorced Ansh, but since Ansh is mentally retarded he fails to grasp this small but important fact. Under the delusion that they belong together, Ansh drags Nandanee to his car, shoves her in and goes to the other side to get in. Nandanee meanwhile struggles against the door of the car because she failed “Quantum Mechanics 101” and does not know how to open a car door (I am certain the car door was not locked). After some wrong turns Ansh finally manages to locate the other side of the car, gets in and drives away.

Behold! Karan (generic hero) sees this and gets inside his own car and gives chase. Anyone who has watched ‘Ali G in Da House’ will know what kind of car chase this was. Both of them are traveling at the blistering speed of roughly 20 Kmph. Karan even manages to make a phone call to his step mother, of all people while in hot pursuit. By and by, Ansh realizes that you have to change gears in order to go faster and leaves Karan in the dust.

I switched to another channel at this point but when I changed back, Thulsi (step mother of generic hero, ‘speed demon’ Karan), Ansh and Nandanee are in a house somewhere. Apparently Thulsi had managed to find Ansh before her slow driving son, Karan. Karan was apparently still stuck in first gear and could not go faster than 20 Kmph so it would take some time for him to get to the scene. After a brief confrontational argument in which Ansh waves a tiny pistol around Thulsi is left locked in the house while Ansh escapes with Nandanee. What the mentally handicapped Ansh had not noticed was that the door of the house was made up of…… Glass. Easily Destructible Glass.

After pondering her predicament for about five minutes, all the time talking to herself with a quizzical look on her face (maybe she was wondering whose voice she was hearing), she realizes that glass is breakable! After this revelation she grabs the wicker chair (the obvious choice for all glass breaking activities) next to her and throws it at the door, shattering it. Did I mention that this two story house apparently only has one way in or out? Quite a fire hazard.

Meanwhile, Ansh – having mastered the art of shifting gears – has taken Nandanee to a heavily mountainous and wooded area. His reason for doing this? To go to Switzerland. Apparently I missed the international airport hidden among the trees. At any rate when Ansh stops the car near a suitably deserted area (probably looking for the duty free shops) Nandanee realizes that pulling on the little lever on the door will instantly open it. Needless to say, before Ansh can realize that there are no duty free goods Nandanee ‘no-door-will-hold-me-back’ Takur is off into the woods. After a suitable period of shouting on Ansh’s part he sets off in pursuit.

Realizing that the best way to recapture Nandanee would be to shout at the top of his voice he alternatively runs and screams through the woods. Because of all the shouting, Nandanee knows exactly where Ansh is, so she uses that knowledge to run in circles hoping that Mr. Ansh ‘slow-as-molasses’ Gujral will get dizzy. Since Ansh is always a bit behind the times, he fails to get dizzy and finds Nandanee hiding behind a wall. Apparently there were some convenient ruins to hide behind. But Nandanee chooses the shortest wall (maybe to accentuate her slim figure) and hides behind it. She does not realize that her head and her gigantic shawl are sticking out of the cover of the wall. She is disappointed when she is captured.

At this point of the episode my will starts to re-assert itself so I switched to another channel for a bit. Switching back to Mahagedara (while the ads are shown) I see poor retarded Ansh has been shot by the baby pistol he was carrying. Apparently it shot adult bullets. Either that or he was suffering from a belated bout of dizziness from all that running about. Mr. Karan ‘Need for Speed’ Virani finally arrives on scene to witness that his step mother has shot the retarded villain and saved the day. At which point I passed out.

I heard from a reliable source that Ansh ‘baby steps’ Gujral returns as the evil twin brother of himself. I don’t know how the creative directors will work that into the story but, apparently the physical laws of the Universe are guidelines rather than hard coded rules to them.

Note – I know there are lots of people who like this TV show out there. I respect your right to watch anything you want and I’m not making fun of you or anything like that. This is probably a very entertaining show for all you people but as the title of this blog states I look at everything from my point of view.

Di, my condolences.