10 Things You Should Not Be Doing While Drunk Or Drinking

John — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 03:53:07 +0000

NEVER keep your phone with you. You’ll just regret it. Actually, the Never Keep Your Phone With You rule is actually more of a meta rule. It describes three more mini rules. I’ll get into details on these rules somewhere along the line. Just keep in mind that if you bring your phone with you, there is an INCREASE of 83% of your chance of doing something you regret the next morning.
NEVER call or text anyone while you’re drunk. This is a fundamental law of the universe. I can’t believe the amount of people who actually make calls while they are drunk. It just totally cracks me up. Note that the ‘anyone’ mentioned in this rule do not include any of the following,
1. Taxis or other forms of transport supplying services
2. Emergency medical services or other life supplying services
3. Hookers or other satisfaction supplying services
4. A cool friend of the SAME sex. (Never EVER call a cool friend of the opposite sex. Because the reason that you think that friend is cool is BECAUSE you secretly like him/her/me)
This is what I mean by ‘don’t text anyone’. Scenario: You hear a joke while your drinking and you think it’s incredibly funny (Most things are funny while your drunk, irrespective of whether it’s a joke or not. Drunk people can laugh along to a weather report on a tropical cyclone. Back to the scenario..), so you text someone the punch line ONLY (You send only the punch line because you’re too far gone to type anything on that tiny keypad. The more drunk you are, the tinier the keypad). Anyway, your friend suddenly gets a message saying, ‘PANTS!’ or ‘HOTEL CALIFORNIA!!’ or something like that because that’s the current joke or song or whatever. Do yourself a favour and cut off your thumbs. It’s less trouble in the long run.
NEVER pull out your phone while you’re drunk or drinking. If you must bring your phone with you, do everyone a favour and keep it inside a pocket. Preferably one with a breath analyzer that won’t open until you’re sober. Having your phone in your hand is a recipe for disaster. Scenario: After an otherwise uneventful trip to Sigiriya I noticed that I had completely replaced my browser software on the phone with REALLY old software. Also I’ve now forgotten my PIN.
NEVER give your phone to a friend. A drunk friend will ALWAYS do one of the following with a foreign (not his) phone,
1. Drop it
2. Dial an IDD call (If you have IDD enabled on your phone and you give it to a drunk friend, then you’re lucky to have lived so long)
3. Look through messages or past call records and dial the most frequently used numbers.
4. Drop it.
5. Call a hooker
NEVER EVER take up a dare. Scenario: Friend says, ‘Why don’t you climb this 10 foot ladder like structure and jump down from the top?’, if you ask yourself ‘why not?’ then you have no right to be drinking. Or walking around without an attendant. What you should be asking yourself is ‘Why doesn’t he/she so that?’. Also don’t drink at anyplace that has large bodies of water or easily climbable trees/structures, you’ll thank yourself later in your old age when you DO have an old age.
NEVER make passes at women. I didn’t include ‘Don’t make passes at men’ for the simple reason that men like women making passes at them. Drunk or otherwise. We aren’t finicky. When you are drunk, you are
1. NOT as funny as you think
2. NOT as smooth as you think
3. NOT as smart as you think
4. NOT as desirable as you think

That pretty much covers it right?

NEVER sing alone. By all means sing along to the band or to the crowd, but never sing alone. There is no way anyone is going to hear your terribly pitched, horribly rendered, word swapped (going ‘na nuh na naa’ when you don’t know the words) version of ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ (hint hint dude ) when the band is playing, so that’s your chance to go at it. Unleash the inner rock star. But NEVER EVER alone. You’ll just make an ass of yourself.
NEVER talk. Seriously. Don’t talk and you can’t get yourself into any regrettable situations. Also don’t do stuff like slapping yourself in the face to show that you have perfect hand eye coordination. Slapping yourself in the face or walking into walls are a sure indication of being piss drunk.
NEVER EVER EVER take your credit card with you. Unless it’s already overlimit. Take whatever amount of cash you think you will need to cover the expenses. Taking your credit card to a drinking session is like having your own personal banker who is ever so helpful to pay the bill when it comes but will kick you in the nuts the next day when you get your credit card bill. It’s easier to just wash dishes or something like that rather than paying the bill. Also, since you’re drunk you won’t even remember it. Remember, your credit card is NOT your bitch.
NEVER DRIVE!
NEVER make lists of what NOT to do for some hypothetical situation since you can’t count or put together coherent sentences in the first place. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

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10 Things You Should Not Be Doing While Drunk Or Drinking