DISCLAIMER : I’m not a Twilight hater. I watched the first two movies and they were just ‘meh’ to me. I’ve seen much better and I’ve also seen much much worse. This is just a post on what struck me while I watched movie number two.
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Robots are intelligent, cuddly creatures with a heart of gold. Sorry, I was actually talking about myself there. Robots are emotionless. They can be cuddly or not, they can be shiny, they can be smart to a certain extent, they can be fast but above all they are emotionless. By the end of this post, you will come to realize that Edward Cullen is in fact a robot. He could be built by Sony and he could be the second cousin of Aibo, I won’t know till I get into his programming.

Lets take this step by step.

Robots Are Shiny

Ok, granted that Edward is more sparkly than shiny. This could mean that his skin is actually a synthetic mix of rubber and titanium. Either that or he really likes sparkles a lot and Bella is actually barking up the wrong tree.

This is Edward in the sun

This is a terminator before he pwns your ass

Notice both faces are distinctly reflecting the light? The one on the right is the advanced model because it’s got rid of the sparkles and is smiling in a totally emotionless and badass way. The one on the right cannot be mistaken for an emo tween. Even without the Gatling cannon attached to it.

Robots are FAST

Will Smith - 0 : Robot - 1

Edward Cullen is fast. Apparently faster than most vampires. Being that fast means that you’re definitely one of the robots. We’ve seen fast robots galore in I, Robot and Starwars. Nevermind all those Japanese cartoons.

More fast robots from real life. You should really click this link.

Robots are Emotionless

This doesn’t mean that they don’t express it of course. They just don’t scale well. Apart from the most advanced robots from the future (WALL-E et al), most robots are cold calculating machines (not like a calculator in a fridge!). Ok, I admit that Edward does occasionally crack a smile but my belly button can portray a bigger range of emotions. Keanu Reeves has nothing on this dude.

It’s like whoever programmed him spent all hist time on the despondency classes. Bella kills herself? sad. Bella jumps off cliff? sad. I need to leave town? sad. Bella is horny? sad. Ham sandwich for breakfast? sad.

I mean he’s an almost indestructible, immortal with an SUV. He’s got a chick who is generations younger to him fawning over him. He can rip the arm off a guy and beat him to death with him. And yet, he’s emo.

Some pictures of Edward being all despondent and stuff.

I'm sad because I'm pale

I have huge eyebrows

This is pretty much how he looks through most of the movie. The only thing that changes is his complexion (from pale to paler) and his consistency (solid and sparkly to smoky). With this information we can pretty much predict how he will look in any given situation. These situations may or may not be included in the new movies.

Edward and a tiny duck

Edward and a Rabid Beaver

On the left, you can seeEdward Savaged by a Savage Duck/Drake. Ducks are tasty animals but can turn vicious in the beat of a heart.

On the right, you see Edward facing down a rabid beaver. If you look closely, you can see that the beaver has angry red eyes!

While writing this post I realized that I actually dislike the Bella character the most. Like all time worst character. But I’d already written this post and I’m hungry so I’m not going to go back and rewrite stuff just so you guys can go ‘FAIL’.

All in all, at this point I don’t really care whether Edward’s a robot or whether Bella is soft in the head. I’m going to go watch some testosterone fueled movie to make it up for myself.

After watching The Dark Knight, at Liberty (twice I might mention), I have come to the conclusion that I’m just not trendy enough to drink Elephant House (hereafter referred to as ‘Aliya’) soft drinks. You know what I’m talking about, that ad that shows all those groovy and trendy people dancing and drinking Aliya soft drinks. I’ve seen this ad occasionally on tv but not being much of a tv person I didn’t pay much attention to it. But seeing an advertisement on a 20 foot screen is different. It makes you…..think.

And I thought about it. I’m just not trendy enough. I mean look at the people in the ad! There are bunches and bunches of young people singing and dancing and gyrating and whatnot. Not a non-trendy person in sight. The only overweight person in the ad was Ashanthi and even she was wearing trendy clothes. These people looked like they had been born wearing denims and friendship bracelets. These are the type of people who would be able to pull of a look that you wouldn’t be caught dead in. And come on, how many of you have ACTUALLY danced on top of a fountain while drinking any brand of soft drink? Soft drinks don’t make you dance on top of fountains, a few stiff shots of whiskey do. Trendy drinks for trendy people.

Click to see image in full

The above image clearly shows what I’m talking about. This image was shot unbeknownst to the vendor with my special Canon VB-291 voice bubble capturing camera.

Note – I now have less hair. Also, I do not know why I’m holding the vendors hand. Also, most people call me ‘aiya’ regardless of how old they are. All 3 wheel drivers and shopkeepers call me ‘aiya’.

Ever since that day, and incidentally the day I watched Batman the second time, I decided that I would not go without soft drinks because of my un-trendiness or non-trendiness. I now make my own soft drinks from sachets.

Say NO to TRENDINESSколи под наем

Yesterday I met a friend who had been on my mind for a while. I met the friend while on the bus. It was just a coincidence. And I got to thinking what would have happened if I hadn’t woken up at the unusually (for me) late hour? What would have happened if I had spent a little more time in the shower? What would have happened if it had been a shaving day (I shave every other day)? All these little seemingly inconsequential things came together to make two people meet in the bus.

But that wasn’t what really got my attention.

What about the people I didn’t meet because I woke up earlier or later than my usual time? What about when I gave up on a bus because it was too crowded? What about when I skipped shaving? Did I miss the future Mrs. Pereira because of these events? Did I miss meeting my future business partner? Did I miss meeting the person who would ruin my life (I don’t really miss meeting that person, truth be told)? That is what I was really thinking about? What did we miss in our lives because we took too long to wake up or decided to shave or decided to go back to get our wallet / handbag ?

I know these are stupid questions. None of these things happened so why should it bother us? It bothers me because I’m always in a ‘what if?’ mode. I can’t help it. Hopefully I won’t dwell on these things too much.
This post is dedicated to the people that I missed out on because I took too long to shave. You would have been great. Or maybe not. I’ll never know.