Sleep Patterns of Awesome People

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Just to put things in perspective, the last time I blogged, “Which seat can I take?” was just a logistics question and not a meme . The last time I blogged,  Sri Lankans all over the world were thinking they had a chance at the ICC World Cup and were preparing a team for it. The last time I blogged, I was probably 20 kilos lighter. The last time I blogged, I didn’t have a full on beard that you could hide a baby mongoose in. The last time I blogged, I still hadn’t broken my Kindle by getting so drunk that I sat on it for an hour and not notice. So yes, it’s been awhile since I shared my wisdom with the seething masses. Some of you may ask “why now?” but those people like asking rhetorical questions a bit too much so I’m not going to answer them.

I was going to pontificate on how you illiterates misuse the word FML, but then I got bored and decided I’m going to talk about my sleep patterns. Maybe I’ll be point and laugh about it some other day. I’ve decided to be whimsical about my blog posts from now on.

So yes, my sleep patterns. As you might know, some people are known to sleep walk. According to Wikipedia, this is

Sleepwalking, also known as somnambulism, is a sleep disorder belonging to the parasomnia family.[2] Sleepwalkers arise from the slow wave sleep stage in a state of low consciousness and perform activities that are usually performed during a state of full consciousness.

Sounds exciting! You know, if you’re a 70 year old man wearing fluffy slippers and falls asleep in front of the TV. It’s probably the most amount of excitement that will happen to you.

Cool people like me don’t sleep walk. We do the following

Sleep Orate

Carry out a monologue with a person near your bed. Person optional, I’ve known just to speak to myself. And I don’t mean mumble in your sleep. I mean talk. Loud. I’ve also been known to question my brother when he’s working late (the desk where he keeps his laptop is next to my bed). I don’t remember what the questions are, but he tells me I can get quite peeved, which leads me to

Sleep Attack

Ask my brother and he’ll tell you how tenaciously I guard the plug point when I sleep. Every time he tries to unplug the laptop power chord I hit him. Most of the time it’s with a pillow. Let me tell you, it’s unnerving to get attacked by a pillow wielding person when all you’re trying to do is unplug your computer. Positively puts you off the midnight porn. I’ve also been known to kick my bed. These battles usually end with me waking up with a bruised shin and wondering what the hell just happened.

Sleep Note Taking

Sometimes I take notes on my phone. I don’t know how I do this while I’m asleep, but I find these notes on my phone in the morning. By far the weirdest one I’ve taken down is

horriff norieff

That’s all. To this day I don’t know what that meant and I’m still confused as to what my intentions were. Even the big G doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Sounds vaguely Mediterranean or Middle Eastern. I shudder to think of what my sub conscience is up to when I’m asleep.

Sleep Sprinting 

If you had a camera in my room, apart from all the glorious nakedness you’d also see me rushing to either the bathroom light or the room light in the middle of the night. I basically get up, hit the bed with my pillow a couple of times for good measure and then rush to the light and switch it on. And then my brain wakes up and wonders what I’m doing near the light. It’s like I’m an old person with short term memory problems. I should probably stop reading all those fantasy stories before I go to bed. Give the old noggin some relax time.

 

So there you go. That’s what happens when you’re too cool to sleepwalk. Pretty much all those activities happen when I’m in a state between full sleep and full wakefulness. My eyes are open, but nobody’s home!

 

P.S. – By “Which seat can I take?”, I was referring to Rebecca Black’s Friday. It was all the rage when I started writing this post. As I submit the post, her second single has come out. So yes, it’s been awhile but regular transmissions begin now.

About John

I'm a xx year(can't be bothered to change it every year) old wannabe programmer living in Sri Lanka. The posts mostly contain stories of how I see the world. Usually skewed.
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8 Responses to Sleep Patterns of Awesome People

  1. T says:

    all I got from this post was that you sleep naked with your brother.

  2. Chathura W says:

    So Jerry watches porn while keeping his laptop on a desk besides your bed? Disturbing :S

  3. John says:

    Well I can’t actually see his screen. What else does one do at 1 in the morning while all normal people are sleeping or sleeporating?

  4. Tulie says:

    Disturbing, very very disturbing :P

  5. I think you’ll have to warn your wife… The poor woman will be mauled in her sleep.

  6. T says:

    Good luck GETTING a wife after this over-revealing post.

  7. Seni says:

    Disturbing but fabulously hilarious. Just what I needed to wake me up from a nice lazy-working-Tuesday afternoon.

  8. Amadoru says:

    This just gave me a very disturbing image. Don’t hit me if I keep looking at you and your brother repeatedly when we meetup. :D

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