Why I Think Twilight has Robots in it

DISCLAIMER : I’m not a Twilight hater. I watched the first two movies and they were just ‘meh’ to me. I’ve seen much better and I’ve also seen much much worse. This is just a post on what struck me while I watched movie number two.
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Robots are intelligent, cuddly creatures with a heart of gold. Sorry, I was actually talking about myself there. Robots are emotionless. They can be cuddly or not, they can be shiny, they can be smart to a certain extent, they can be fast but above all they are emotionless. By the end of this post, you will come to realize that Edward Cullen is in fact a robot. He could be built by Sony and he could be the second cousin of Aibo, I won’t know till I get into his programming.

Lets take this step by step.

Robots Are Shiny

Ok, granted that Edward is more sparkly than shiny. This could mean that his skin is actually a synthetic mix of rubber and titanium. Either that or he really likes sparkles a lot and Bella is actually barking up the wrong tree.

This is Edward in the sun

This is a terminator before he pwns your ass

Notice both faces are distinctly reflecting the light? The one on the right is the advanced model because it’s got rid of the sparkles and is smiling in a totally emotionless and badass way. The one on the right cannot be mistaken for an emo tween. Even without the Gatling cannon attached to it.

Robots are FAST

Will Smith - 0 : Robot - 1

Edward Cullen is fast. Apparently faster than most vampires. Being that fast means that you’re definitely one of the robots. We’ve seen fast robots galore in I, Robot and Starwars. Nevermind all those Japanese cartoons.

More fast robots from real life. You should really click this link.

Robots are Emotionless

This doesn’t mean that they don’t express it of course. They just don’t scale well. Apart from the most advanced robots from the future (WALL-E et al), most robots are cold calculating machines (not like a calculator in a fridge!). Ok, I admit that Edward does occasionally crack a smile but my belly button can portray a bigger range of emotions. Keanu Reeves has nothing on this dude.

It’s like whoever programmed him spent all hist time on the despondency classes. Bella kills herself? sad. Bella jumps off cliff? sad. I need to leave town? sad. Bella is horny? sad. Ham sandwich for breakfast? sad.

I mean he’s an almost indestructible, immortal with an SUV. He’s got a chick who is generations younger to him fawning over him. He can rip the arm off a guy and beat him to death with him. And yet, he’s emo.

Some pictures of Edward being all despondent and stuff.

I'm sad because I'm pale

I have huge eyebrows

This is pretty much how he looks through most of the movie. The only thing that changes is his complexion (from pale to paler) and his consistency (solid and sparkly to smoky). With this information we can pretty much predict how he will look in any given situation. These situations may or may not be included in the new movies.

Edward and a tiny duck

Edward and a Rabid Beaver

On the left, you can seeEdward Savaged by a Savage Duck/Drake. Ducks are tasty animals but can turn vicious in the beat of a heart.

On the right, you see Edward facing down a rabid beaver. If you look closely, you can see that the beaver has angry red eyes!

While writing this post I realized that I actually dislike the Bella character the most. Like all time worst character. But I’d already written this post and I’m hungry so I’m not going to go back and rewrite stuff just so you guys can go ‘FAIL’.

All in all, at this point I don’t really care whether Edward’s a robot or whether Bella is soft in the head. I’m going to go watch some testosterone fueled movie to make it up for myself.